Grief is a deeply personal experience, and for children, it can be especially confusing and overwhelming. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, a pet, or even the separation of parents, grief can impact a child’s emotional, cognitive, and physical well-being in ways that adults may not immediately recognize. Caroline Goldsmith, a highly respected psychologist at ATC Ireland, shares vital strategies for caregivers, parents, and educators to help children process and heal after experiencing loss.
Children grieve differently from adults. They may not always express sadness through tears or words; instead, grief can show up in changes in behavior, sleep patterns, school performance, or even physical complaints. Recognizing the signs and offering consistent, compassionate support is essential to helping them cope and grow through grief.
Understanding How Children Experience Grief
Children’s understanding of death or loss evolves as they grow. Very young children may not grasp the permanence of death, while older children might struggle with existential fears or feelings of guilt.
Key emotional responses may include:
- Confusion or disbelief
- Regressive behaviors (thumb-sucking, bedwetting, etc.)
- Separation anxiety or fear of losing others
- Anger, irritability, or acting out
- Sadness and withdrawal
According to Caroline Goldsmith:
“Grief is not linear for children. They may seem fine one day and distraught the next. It’s a cycle, not a straight line.”
1. Encourage Open Communication
Create a safe space where children can ask questions and share their feelings. Avoid euphemisms like “passed away” for very young children, as these can cause confusion.
Tips:
- Use clear and age-appropriate language: “Grandma died, which means her body stopped working and she won’t be coming back.”
- Let them know it’s okay to cry, be angry, or not know what to say.
- Be available. Let them lead conversations and share at their own pace.
Children need reassurance that their thoughts and feelings are valid and will be met with love and patience.
2. Maintain Routines and Structure
In times of loss, familiar routines offer comfort and predictability.
Benefits include:
- Helping children feel grounded when everything else seems uncertain
- Offering a sense of safety and normalcy
- Giving them moments to look forward to (like bedtime stories or mealtime rituals)
Even small routines—like walking the dog or packing lunch—can provide stability during emotional upheaval.
3. Allow Children to Express Grief in Their Own Way
Children often express grief through play, art, or stories, not just through words.
Encourage:
- Drawing or painting what they feel
- Role-playing or storytelling with toys
- Writing letters to the person or pet they lost
- Creating memory boxes with photos or keepsakes
Caroline Goldsmith highlights:
“Creative expression helps children externalize their emotions and process difficult experiences without being overwhelmed.”
4. Reassure Them It’s Not Their Fault
Some children may believe their thoughts, words, or actions caused the loss—especially in cases of divorce or sudden death.
Caregivers should:
- Reassure them repeatedly and clearly: “This is not your fault.”
- Be patient if they revisit the same questions again and again.
- Provide simple explanations for complex situations without unnecessary detail.
Letting them know they are safe, loved, and not to blame is vital in their healing journey.
5. Watch for Complicated Grief
While sadness and adjustment are normal, prolonged grief or severe behavioral changes may require additional support.
Signs of complicated grief include:
- Persistent sadness or detachment
- Difficulty sleeping or frequent nightmares
- Loss of interest in school or friendships
- Aggressive or regressive behavior
- Physical complaints (headaches, stomach aches) without clear cause
If these symptoms last for several months or worsen, consider consulting a child psychologist or counselor.
6. Include Them in Rituals and Memorials
Being part of the goodbye process can help children understand and accept the reality of loss.
Involve them in:
- Funerals, if they feel ready and comfortable
- Lighting candles or planting trees in memory of the loved one
- Talking about the person during holidays or anniversaries
These rituals give children a sense of closure and help maintain a healthy connection with the person who died.
7. Model Healthy Grieving
Children look to adults for cues on how to cope with loss. It’s okay for them to see you sad, crying, or taking time to rest.
Model:
- Open emotional expression: “I’m feeling really sad today because I miss Grandpa.”
- Healthy coping strategies: walks, journaling, or reaching out to friends
- Honest conversations about healing and remembrance
By witnessing healthy grieving, children learn that it’s okay to feel and to heal.
8. Offer Extra Comfort and Reassurance
Even if children seem resilient, they may still need more cuddles, attention, and comforting words.
Try:
- Spending quality one-on-one time
- Reading books about grief together
- Offering physical touch like hugs, hand-holding, or sitting together during quiet time
These gestures help soothe children’s nervous systems and remind them they’re not alone.
9. Foster Resilience and Hope
While grief never fully goes away, children can emerge from it stronger and more emotionally aware.
Ways to support this:
- Help them recognize their strengths and how they’ve grown
- Celebrate the memories of the person they lost
- Focus on the things that remain steady and meaningful in their life
- Let them talk about their hopes for the future
Caroline Goldsmith notes:
“Grief is a part of life, but it doesn’t have to define it. With support, children can learn to hold both sorrow and joy in their hearts.”
10. Seek Professional Help When Needed
Therapists can provide a neutral, supportive space for children to explore complex emotions.
Therapy can include:
- Play therapy
- Grief counseling
- Family therapy for navigating shared loss
- Coping skill development for children struggling with anxiety or depression
ATC Ireland and other child-focused services can provide tailored interventions that ease emotional distress and nurture healing.
Final Words: Grief Is a Journey, Not a Destination
Helping a child navigate grief isn’t about “fixing” their sadness—it’s about walking beside them with compassion, honesty, and love. Caroline Goldsmith reminds us that grief, when handled with care, can help children grow emotionally, develop empathy, and build resilience that lasts a lifetime.
“We can’t take their pain away—but we can teach them they’re not alone in it. And that, in time, they’ll be okay.”
Contact Information:
Caroline’s practice is easily reachable through her website, email, or phone, ensuring clients have multiple ways to Connect and Resources.
